Remember when I said I was back to blogging. Yep, me too. So, here’s the deal friends, I’ve been going through some stuff lately. Perhaps it’s these crazy pregnancy emotions. Perhaps it’s the fact that summer just decided to arrive in Milwaukee and the humidity and heat is making me feel like an overheated sweaty mess. Perhaps it’s the fact that this summer has been an insane roller coaster. Or, maybe it's that it was all finally too much because last week I hit my wall.
August was supposed to be my refresh month. After a crazy July filled with moving, ridiculous work schedules and travel, August was supposed to be my time to refresh and rewind. But it wasn’t. August felt more chaotic than July. Just when I thought we were in for a few low-key weeks where we could spend time together catching up on living a normal life and putting our new home together, life happened. And, although I did get to spend some amazing time away in Idaho and Iowa with my family and friends in August, I came back to Wisconsin last week, and just felt very alone.
The last year I’ve gotten much better at this solo business and spending time by myself. And, surprisingly, I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve gotten good at taking myself on “me dates” and exploring my new home sans my husband or a friend. I’m not scared to go to events by myself or even sit at a restaurant. Plus,I’m use to being the strong one. The one who lives away from home and forges her own way…but last week, I didn’t want to do it anymore. I felt overwhelmed, alone and defeated.
Chase’s work schedule is something he has very little control over and we try to make our time together as meaningful as possible. But it’s often that we can go weeks without having a full day off together. I know he’ll have to work 28-hour shifts and that he’ll miss holidays and appointments even if he desperately doesn’t want to do. It’s all part of the game. I’ve signed up for this lifestyle and I’m willing to live it but what I’ve realized is that it still doesn’t always make it easy.
This being strong thing, sometimes it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. And, admitting all this shit is terrifying. I’m much better at putting up a front and shaking off the feeling then making myself venerable and acknowledging that yes, yes in fact I am and have been lonely, that I might not always be in control or have it together in the way that I like. What’s worse is that although being honest about it is very freeing, it does make me feel like a bit of failure, as if somehow I'm not living up to the woman I’m supposed to be.
The good news is that every day since I’ve come to this realization, I've felt a little bit better. I’ve been talking to those I’m closest with about how I’m feeling. I’m admitting when I'm not 100% and learning, slowly, to be okay with that. I’ve been taking walks, practicing yoga, meditation and positive self-affirmation. I’m sharing with you too, in hopes that it will hold me accountable and help me be honest with myself.
It’s a process but I'm finding myself a little bit less scared, a little bit less lonely, a little bit less venerable and little bit more okay with myself and where I’m at.
Tell me, how do you deal with loneliness and feeling venerable?
p.s. thanks for listening, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you being here.