This Grand Adventure: Chelsa-Bea: On Feeling Lonely and Vulnerable

September 1, 2014

On Feeling Lonely and Vulnerable


Remember when I said I was back to blogging. Yep, me too. So, here’s the deal friends, I’ve been going through some stuff lately. Perhaps it’s these crazy pregnancy emotions. Perhaps it’s the fact that summer just decided to arrive in Milwaukee and the humidity and heat is making me feel like an overheated sweaty mess. Perhaps it’s the fact that this summer has been an insane roller coaster. Or, maybe it's that it was all finally too much because last week I hit my wall.

August was supposed to be my refresh month. After a crazy July filled with moving, ridiculous work schedules and travel, August was supposed to be my time to refresh and rewind. But it wasn’t. August felt more chaotic than July. Just when I thought we were in for a few low-key weeks where we could spend time together catching up on living a normal life and putting our new home together, life happened. And, although I did get to spend some amazing time away in Idaho and Iowa with my family and friends in August, I came back to Wisconsin last week, and just felt very alone.

The last year I’ve gotten much better at this solo business and spending time by myself. And, surprisingly, I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve gotten good at taking myself on “me dates” and exploring my new home sans my husband or a friend. I’m not scared to go to events by myself or even sit at a restaurant. Plus, I’m used to being the strong one. The one who lives away from home and forges her own way…but last week, I didn’t want to do it anymore. I felt overwhelmed, alone and defeated.

Chase’s work schedule is something he has very little control over and we try to make our time together as meaningful as possible. But it’s often that we can go weeks without having a full day off together. I know he’ll have to work 28-hour shifts and that he’ll miss holidays and appointments even if he desperately doesn’t want to do. It’s all part of the game. I’ve signed up for this lifestyle and I’m willing to live it but what I’ve realized is that it still doesn’t always make it easy.

This being strong thing, sometimes it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. And, admitting all this shit is terrifying. I’m much better at putting up a front and shaking off the feeling then making myself vulnerable and acknowledging that yes, yes in fact I am and have been lonely, that I might not always be in control or have it together in the way that I like. What’s worse is that although being honest about it is very freeing, it does make me feel like a bit of failure, as if somehow I'm not living up to the woman I’m supposed to be.

The good news is that every day since I’ve come to this realization, I've felt a little bit better. I’ve been talking to those I’m closest with about how I’m feeling. I’m admitting when I'm not 100% and learning, slowly, to be okay with that. I’ve been taking walks, practicing yoga, meditation and positive self-affirmation. I’m sharing with you too, in hopes that it will hold me accountable and help me be honest with myself.

It’s a process but I'm finding myself a little bit less scared, a little bit less lonely, a little bit less vulnerable and little bit more okay with myself and where I’m at.

Tell me, how do you deal with loneliness and feeling vulnerable?

p.s. thanks for listening, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you being here. 


14 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for sharing this. One of the things that helps me the most when I'm feeling that way is remembering that I'm not alone. Yoga helps tremendously, as do phone calls with good friends. Hope you feel better soon!

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  2. I feel that way sometimes too- knowing that most of my close friends and family are a thousand miles away from wisconsin. The yoga + self affirmations are great, a little bit of guilty pleasure tv shows on netflix helps too :)

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    1. Thanks, Lauren. It's good to know I'm not alone :)

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  3. I remember when my husband (then boyfriend) was deployed to Afghanistan. We had just moved to Chicago together and he left a few weeks after. There I was all alone in this big, crazy city. I enjoyed exploring it for the most part and had a few friends there also. But I remember there came a point when I'd go home a visit my friends and family for the weekend and I'd come back feeling sad and lonely. A few days (sometimes weeks) would pass and I'd be back to my old self. Make coffee dates and keep busy. Make the most of the time that you do get to spend with your husband. It's about the quality of time, not the quantity :-)

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    1. Maria, thanks so much for these words of advice. You're completely right about the quality over quantity and I need to remind myself of this. Thanks again.

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  4. Beautiful post girl, and I definitely feel that way sometimes, even though I'm surrounded by amazing family, sometimes I miss having close girlfriends to go do girly stuff with...I definitely need to change that! And funny thing is, I juuuust emailed you like 5 minutes ago, no joke! Sending lots of love!

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  5. I'm even prone to loneliness living near my friends and seeing my fiancé every day, so I feel you. I'm about as social as they come, so any isolation is a killer for me. If you ever need someone to be lonely with, I'm here and we're in the same city! I always love new friends.

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  6. I wish I could give you a big hug. Here, *virtual hug*. If we're being totally honest here….after I had Sloane we were in a smaller town in Iowa. I had no friends, I stayed at home all day with what felt like a baby that did nothing but scream at me, John left for work everyday in the city and I was lonely as fu**. It was terrible. I become so depressed that I eventually went on antidepressants and convinced John to move us back to DSM, closer to friends and/or entertainment. Exercise eventually turned into my saving grace and we made it through but it was rough. I totally get the feeling but I think it sounds like you're taking the proper self-care steps. Sometimes you just gotta let it out- just let it go, breakdown and rebuild taking it day by day. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. If I can do anything from afar please don't hesitate to ask. xoxo

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    1. Thanks so much, Annie. One foot in front of the other is the name of the game these days. Thanks for the support.

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  7. My most beautiful, brave, amazing Chelsea. Your honesty inspires me. I'll love your forever, for always...

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  8. Chelsea, I had no idea all of this was going on for you in September! Remember to just take things one day at a time. I tend to get overwhelmed when I look too far into the future. When I go one day at a time, everything seems so much more manageable. You can always reach out to me when you need a friend! I'm always willing to listen. xo Ann C.

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